


Admiration is okay, but a smile is better.

by yankeetooter



Category: Chernobyl (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst, Insecurity, M/M, Smile
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-18
Updated: 2020-06-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:27:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22763959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yankeetooter/pseuds/yankeetooter
Summary: Boris wants one thing from Valery before it's too late.
Relationships: Valery Legasov/Boris Shcherbina
Comments: 53
Kudos: 59





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Happy times and angst ahead. Buckle up!
> 
> The beginning is a lot of Boris, but Valery is coming!

Boris Shcherbina is an inconsequential man, at least as far as he sees it. He didn't always feel that way though. Not until he became an apparatchik did he begin doubting his worth.

It is when he becomes a party man that he realizes he has really only been good at two things his whole life: providing for the needs of others, and inspiring and encouraging the people around him. He had learned along the way to kowtow to those above him, but he does not relish doing so. Merely sees it as a means to an end for furthering his goals.

It started when he served in the military. As a new recruit, he didn't have any clout as far as getting supplies for others, but even then he was always lifting others' spirits, cheering them on when conditions were bad. As he rose through the ranks he was better able to acquire those essentials his command needed. Warm uniforms, clean socks, adequate rations, all items needed were to be had by Boris' men, if not in other units.

And oh how he could motivate his men! No matter the task or how hard the challenge, Boris could rally his troops with a rousing speech that would have them practically begging to sacrifice their lives for the cause. Not that Boris wanted that. Every death weighed heavily on his heart and haunted his dreams, to the point that eventually he left the military when his required time was over. He could not bear seeing even one of the young men die in his command, even knowing that they had willingly done it for their beloved commander. No, somehow that made it worse. And so he had left the army and gone into construction.

Construction was much better. Men generally did not lose their lives laying concrete, although freak accidents did happen from time to time. And, just like in the army, Boris could make sure the men working for him got everything they needed. Not just quality supplies to complete their work, but pleasant living accommodations. Boris' employees had the best housing and all the coveted appliances that others could only wish for.

And nobody could motivate their men to make quota like Boris! But he didn't accomplish this by overworking them or using fear tactics. They worked all the harder for him because he took care of them and because he worked as hard as they did. And because they were happier they applied themselves all the more to their work.

It was in construction that Boris learned who to intimidate and who to kiss up to. He didn't enjoy either tactic. The first he used when his men were not being looked after and his anger got the better of him. The second method was a necessary evil. Boris had learned that the men above him did not hold the same values as he did. They cared only for profits and quotas, not the well-being of those below them. He must tread softly around them if he was to accomplish what he wanted for his men as well as to succeed.

A successful career in construction and knowing how to act around the people in power was what got Boris into the Kremlin. He was appointed Deputy Chairman of Energy and now oversaw much of the construction throughout the USSR. 

At first Boris saw the promotion as the chance to have an even bigger impact on the lives of others. And it still was. But it quickly became clear that he was going to have to spend most of his time dealing with higher-ups. He relished every opportunity to travel and interact with the workers, but these opportunities did not arise very often, and Boris was not nearly as happy as he'd been when he was just working in construction.

And it was now that Boris began to feel inconsequential. Distanced from the workers he had spent his life looking out for, he found little respect from his betters. He was Ukrainian, for one, and so didn't merit the respect of, say, a Moscow man. He knew what the others thought of him. Of course, everyone was sickeningly courteous to everyone else at the Kremlin. After all, you never knew when the balance of power would change; if you had insulted someone in the past it might come back to haunt you. But he caught hints of rumors, snippets of conversation about him, and he was not stupid enough to think the courtesy was anything but superficial. But they saw him as such, a poor worker who had not graduated from some prestigious Russian university, but whose family had had to work their way up the ranks.

\---------------------

Gorbachev got the call about Chernobyl early in the morning of April 26. Based on the information he received from Brukanov, it didn't sound that serious. Who to put in charge of this? It would probably be a colossal waste of time for whomever he selected. Well, Boris Shcherbina it was. Most of the other Ministers despised the man, so this would get him out of their sight for a while. The accident sounded minor so Shcherbina couldn't make a mess of it. 

And if it did end up being dangerous? Well, it would be no great loss.

\-----------

Boris waited until 7:00 a.m. to call Legasov. He hated talking to scientists. They always made him feel stupid, and he was sure they looked down on him as an apparatchik. This one seemed no better. He wanted to question everything Boris told him, instead of just listening to what Boris needed him to do. This was going to be a headache!

\----------

The meeting went no better. This Legasov contradicted Boris' report at every turn, and then Gorbachev actually gave him leave to speak more! But the worst of it was when Gorbachev humiliated Boris in front of everyone at the end of the meeting. Of course he didn't know about nuclear reactors; he knew coal and gas! Boris felt his face burning as the others filed out of the room. Legasov sat looking at him, having no idea how much Boris wanted to strangle him.

Walking out to the helicopter, Boris was still seething. _I don't care what this man needs when we get to Chernobyl! I won't get him so much as a toothbrush if he's forgotten to bring one!_


	2. Grudging Respect and the First Attempt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before there can be love, there must be respect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boris fights his changing perspectives with everything he's got.

Valery sat on the helicopter with his head in his hands, horrified by what they were headed towards. He had never wished so hard to be wrong, but he knew that he wasn't. Thus distracted, he only half realized that Shcherbina had directed a question towards him.

"How does a nuclear reactor work?" Boris hated having to ask anything of this scientist, but he needed to know the basics before they landed. Brukanov and Fomin would humiliate him and send him back to Moscow if he didn't know what to look for at Chernobyl.

Valery looked up. "What?"

"It's a simple question."

"It's hardly a simple answer."

"Of course. You presume I am too stupid to understand. So I'll restate. Tell me how a nuclear reactor works or I'll have one of these soldiers throw you out of the helicopter." _That's right, you're no longer in control._

Boris wasn't sure how the scientist would react, but he was sure he would back down. These academic types were easily intimidated. Still, he expected the man would treat him condescendingly, giving an explanation full of technical jargon Boris couldn't possibly hope to understand.

But to his surprise, Legasov launched into a clear-cut explanation, seeming to warm to his task as he continued. There was no condescension, only a professor teaching his pupil with examples from Boris' fields of expertise, coal and gas energy. _Now this is more like it!_

When Valery hesitated for a moment, wondering how to explain the neutrons, Boris leapt at the chance to catch him off guard. "The bullet," he stated, watching in satisfaction as a pleased and surprised look came over Valery's face. _Thought I wasn't listening back there, didn't you?_ But Boris always listened, always wanting to learn. Knowledge was a valuable thing, and could be used as a weapon or as defense.

"Yes! The bullet!"

It was hard to resist the look of admiration coming from Legasov. _No, he humiliated me in front of the rest of the ministers! He's not getting off that easy!_

Boris listened to the rest of the explanation then retrieved his pen and paper. "Good! Now I know how a nuclear reactor works. Now I don't need you."

Boris sat watching Valery after that. The man was fidgety and kept looking out the window. _Could he be right about the reactor exploding?_ Finally the pilot announced that they were approaching the nuclear power plant. Legasov got up and looked out the window.

"What have they done?"

"Can you see inside?"

"I don't have to. See, that's graphite on the roof. The core must be open!"

"Well if you can't see inside the core, how can you tell?"

"For God's sake, look at that glow. That's ionizing radiation!"

A sick feeling was growing in Boris' stomach. Gorbachev had ordered him to fly over the reactor and see what had happened, but the amount of alarm Legasov was showing was alarming.

"Pilot, take us over the reactor! We need to see."

"Boris!"

"Don't use my name!" _How dare he? Who did this man think he was?_

What followed was a contest of who could yell the loudest. Boris finally shouted for the pilot to get them over the reactor, threatening to have him shot if he didn't. Orders were orders, after all.

But Legasov persisted, scaring the pilot into banking away from the reactor. He tumbled into Boris as the helicopter turned, and Boris, without thinking, reached out and steadied him, guiding him back to his seat safely.

The rest of the flight Boris sat stewing over the scientist's defiance. Breathing hard, he tried to ignore the small seed of fear that was growing in his mind. What sort of man would risk defying a party official if he wasn't absolutely sure he was right?

\--------------

When they landed, Boris leapt off the helicopter, his body language just daring the next person to defy him. He ordered Legasov to be kept back until he asked for him. The last thing he needed was the man running his mouth when he was trying to maintain control.

He was met by Brukanov and Fomin, and General Pikalov. The first two immediately started fawning over him, making Boris want to throw something. He knew they didn't respect him; they were just putting on an act. They hurried to provide him with a list of people who were to blame. _Ah, yes! The Soviet way. Hurry up and blame others before you yourself can be blamed._

Fed up, he motioned to the soldiers to escort Legasov over to them. Legasov walked along, eyes constantly on the plume of smoke that rose from the nuclear power plant. Once at Boris' side, Brukanov and Fomin wasted no time in bullying and tormenting him. Legasov hung his head, then looked up at Boris beseechingly.

 _Well, that's done it._ Boris had never been able to resist a genuine plea for help from someone, and he certainly couldn't resist Legasov's puppy-eyed look.

"Why did I see graphite on the roof? Graphite is only found in the core, where it is used as a neutron flux moderator."

While Brukanov and Fomin fell over themselves trying to convince Boris that it couldn't be, Boris glanced over towards Valery. The man was looking at him with pure adoration. _Stop that! I'm just trying to figure out what happened._

Things moved quickly after that. Pikalov volunteered to take the high range dosimeter and get as close to the reactor as he dared so as to get an accurate reading. When he returned with the staggering number, Valery didn't gloat. Rather he staggered back in horror at the truth that he had known all along, but desperately hoped he was wrong about.

Boris had the two guards escort Brukanov and Fomin off the premises, then turned to the general for a solution. Pikalov was suggesting dumping water on the fires when Valery stepped up, explaining this was no ordinary fire.

"How do we put it out?" Boris asked.

"You don't understand. We are dealing with something that has never occurred on this planet before!"

Boris started to open his mouth to ask again how to put it out when Valery said, "Boron...boron and sand. Of course that will create it's own problems, but I don't see any other way. Of course it's going to take thousands of tons because you can't fly directly over the core and a lot of it is going to miss."

 _At last! Something he could actually do. This was what he did...he got things for people._ And Boris found himself wanting to do this specifically for Valery, almost as much as he wanted it as a solution to their problem. That look that had been in Valery's eyes when he stood up for him; he wanted to see it again.

Except the next moment, Valery was asking for something Boris could not give, the evacuation of the nearest town, Pripyat. Boris secretly agreed with Valery, but his higher-ups had made it clear that they didn't want to evacuate the people and possibly cause a panic.

 _Listen to me on this, Valery, please! I cannot do this for you!_ But Valery persisted, to the point that Boris lost his temper and told him to worry about putting the fire out. Boris, disgusted at what he saw as his own helplessness, stalked towards the tent.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm going to get you five tons of sand and boron!" _T_ _hat will have to enough Valery. I can't do anymore._

Boris missed the impressed look on Valery's face as he walked off or he might have felt better.

_____________________

Things were still a bit tense between them the next morning when they convened to watch the helicopters make the first drops. Valery kept reminding Boris that the pilots shouldn't fly too close, which only served to ramp up the tension Boris was feeling. _I know, I know, Valery! And yes, I almost got us killed yesterday with my ignorance. Please stop reminding me!_

And then it was time for the first helicopter to approach. Despite repeated warnings, the pilot flew almost directly over the core. His instruments started going haywire and he lost radio contact. In this distracted state, he failed to avoid the crane nearby and the helicopter crashed in a fireball.

Boris stood there stunned. More men dying, and they had only just begin. He turned to Legasov, who stood hanging his head, obviously distraught. When the radio operator asked for further instructions, Boris knew he had to ask. "Is there any other way, Legasov?" he asked in as gentle a tone as he could manage.

Legasov, close to tears, looked up briefly and shook his head then walked off. Boris let him go, realizing Valery needed his space.

_Damn! I've failed again!_

_\---------_

Legasov had long gone back to the hotel. Boris, meanwhile, stayed to watch the helicopters making their drops. Thankfully, there were no other incidents. _Good! I can go tell Valery and try to raise his spirits! This is good news! And I'll phone Ilyn and_ _see if we can't start evacuating. But it must be safe, right? Otherwise the Kremlin wouldn't have us staying here._

_\---------_

Boris strode into the suite he and Valery were sharing. Valery stood by the window looking out, rubbing his neck as if plagued by a headache.

"It's going smooth! Twenty drops!" _Now smile, please! I'm doing all I can!_

But Valery turned and looked at Boris, seemingly unaffected by the encouraging news.

 _Oh no._ "What?"

"Boris, there are some fifty thousand people staying here..."

"Yes, I talked to Professor Ilyn who's also on the commission, and he says the radiation levels aren't that bad." _See what I did Valery? I tried. I know you're right and I tried my best._

"Professor Ilyn isn't a physicist."

"He's a medical doctor. If he says it's safe, it's safe."

"Not if they stay here!"

"We're staying here!"

"Yes, and we'll be dead in five years!"

A shadow passed over Boris and he sank into the chair. He finally understood why Valery seemed so defeated. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is such a slow burn, but hang in there! Also, this story is mainly from Boris' perspective, obviously.


	3. Coming Back from the Edge/The Second Attempt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For awhile Boris loses his way, but Valery helps him.

After the news of their shortened life expectancy, Boris was lost for a while. Very little penetrated his consciousness, although somehow he kept on functioning. Orders were given, paperwork was signed, but Boris could hardly have told someone what happened for the rest of that day and the next. He was vaguely aware that another crisis had arisen, a very serious one, and that they would have to go to Moscow. Other than that, nothing.

Except...Legasov. Legasov was there, somehow keeping him going. After he blurted out the news to Boris in the hotel room, the phone rang. Boris, stunned, had automatically registered the news from the call, a trick he had mastered long ago to remember things no matter how exhausted he might be or how preoccupied. As he walked up to the window, his nerves still raw, he'd thought for sure Legasov would lay into him about his being right all along.

_Please, not now, Valery. You were right all along, and even if it wasn't my decision to make, I should have fought harder to get it done. I should have trusted you more. Only, please, don't harangue me about it just now._

And Valery hadn't. He had stood by Boris at the window, his body language conveying his regret at having broken the news of their fate to Boris so abruptly. His eyes, however, told a different story. His eyes shone with faith as they gazed at Boris, even as Valery stood near to him as if afraid Boris would collapse from his shock.

_Boris, I know you'll do the right thing. There's no need to revisit the past. But do the right thing now, Boris._

And Boris had. He'd made the calls and the buses had come and taken the people away. But he and Valery were staying.

\----------

The rest of the day was passed in numbness, with only Valery able to reach past Boris' shock and grief. He noticed as Boris sat slouched in the chair while they reviewed the local maps, and although Boris sat up straighter and said he was alright at Valery's inquiry, Valery didn't believe him for a moment. When the woman Ulana arrived, it was Valery who took charge of the developing situation, eventually offering to make the presentation at the Kremlin the next day. 

Boris greatly appreciated that offer, especially at Gorbachev's sharp, "Boris?" He didn't think he could have handled the scrutiny and criticism of the commission in the state of mind he was in. And all he could think was, _You, Gorbachev, you did this to me. You sent us into a dangerous situation, not caring that it would cost us our lives. Am I so expendable to you?_

"All victories inevitably come at a loss." With those words, Gorbachev got up and left the room. Boris sank back down into his chair in relief. Vaguely he was aware of Legasov sitting down next to him, his closeness a buoy keeping him afloat.

_Is that how you feel about us, Gorbachev? Our lives are slowly decaying so that you can have your victory?_ But Boris knew the General Secretary was right. They were trying to save countless lives. Of course he would sacrifice himself to the cause, as would Valery and many others. 

He began to recover on the ride back to Chernobyl, ever aware of Valery's silent support. Neither one of them wanted to kill three men, but already men had died or were dying, and that number would skyrocket if they didn't solve this next problem.

Later, in the meeting room, he watched as Valery outlined the plan to the workers, asking for volunteers. One man in particular called Valery out on the specifics of the operation. Valery faltered and looked over to Boris.

Boris rose slowly from his chair. _Valery needs me!_

"You'll do it because it must be done! You'll do it because nobody else can and if you don't, millions won't die. If you tell me that's not enough, I won't believe you." Boris was aware of Valery gazing at him in admiration, but he couldn't make eye contact with him. He was suddenly struck that he was telling himself as much as the workers about the necessary sacrifice. He squared his shoulders and watched as one by one three workers rose and volunteered for the almost certainly fatal assignment. As he turned to escort the volunteers out of the room, he saw Valery still staring at him, a hero worship in his eyes.

_Ah Valery, don't look at me like that. You and I are both giving our lives as much as these men are. I'm no better than you in this._

_\---------------_

They sat in the jeep, waiting for their desperate hopes to be realized...if only they would. The time stretched on interminably, until finally Boris could stand it no longer. He turned to Valery, who sat staring out the window at the door from which the divers surely would have exited by now...if they had survived.

_He's thinking the same thing. It's been too long. They've failed. And what will we do then? Will it be another three men, and then another three? Until we no longer can find volunteers or our time runs out?_

"Is it possible that the water has already killed them?" he asked Valery.

Valery turned to Boris. "Yes."

"Then what? If it doesn't work?"

Valery didn't reply. He had no answer to give.

A sudden commotion and Pikalov's men were running towards the exit. Boris and Valery got out of the jeep and walked over to greet the three divers, one of whom pumped his fist in the air to show their success. Boris applauded them, then turned to Valery, his heart a thousand times lighter than it had been since this whole mess had started. He smiled triumphantly at Valery, certain that Valery would respond in like kind. They had succeeded! But Valery only nodded to him, a relieved look on his face, but no smile.

_Damn it, Valery! What does it take to get you to smile?_


	4. A Setback, Then New Bonds are Forged

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Boris has been trying so hard to get Valery to smile, but things aren't going well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit shorter chapter, sorry, but I am really trying to get back to writing and my schedule has been so busy.

Boris was beside himself after that. He felt as if he would never be able to get Valery to smile. He had got him everything he needed. The divers had succeeded, and, miraculously enough, none of them were showing any ill effects from walking through the irradiated water. Of course, only time would tell if long-term effects would develop, but what a victory it had been! And yet, no smile...

And then the next day everything went horribly wrong.

"Who told them to only evacuate a 30-mile radius? Who?"

"Are you saying it was me?" _Don't lose your temper, Boris...don't!_ But Boris could feel his heart beating faster, his muscles clenching. _Really, Valery? Don't you see how much I'm trying to get you what you need? Why are you turning on me?_

Is this really the way it all works? Some career party man, some apparatchik, decides how many people will lose their lives?"

Something snapped in Boris. "I'm a career party man. You should watch your tone, Comrade Legasov!" And suddenly a looming chasm opened before them. All it would take is one more push and one or the other of them would fall in. And it would be over, the damage irreversible. Boris looked over at Pikalov for the briefest of moments. _Say something, damnit! Anything!_

"The fire is nearly out. And there has been a reduction in iodine-131 and cesium-137."

 _Oh, thank goodness!_ Turning to Valery _(_ _please, Valery!_ ) "Good! Yes?" Boris doesn't expect a smile. Even before their fight he wouldn't have expected one. But he watches Valery's face for some sign that there is still some hope of friendship between them. Once he hoped for something more, but at this point, he'd settle for friendship.

Valery turns slightly towards Boris, squinting. It's almost as if he's afraid to look Boris in the eye. But he nods, and that's something.

"But the temperature is rising..." _There's more?_ "And there's this." Pikalov hands over a paper to Valery who peers at it. Just an hour ago, Boris would have had no problem coming up behind Valery and reading over his shoulder, their bodies almost touching. Now he doesn't dare.

"What is it?" _Please, not more bad news!_ To Boris's relief, Valery turns and explains, but it's not good news. _At least he's still talking to me._

"There's a spike in zirconium-95. It's from the cladding on the fuel rods." At Boris' raised eyebrows, Valery continues. "The meltdown has begun."

\------------------

Later that night, Boris calls Gorbachev. As a peace offering, he allows Valery to listen in on the second phone. It's all he's got. He tells Gorbachev what they need (all the liquid nitrogen in the Soviet Union... _see Valery, here's something else I got for you.)_ and Gorbachev reassures Boris that whatever they need, they have. Boris goes to hang up when Valery speaks up.

 _Valery! What are you doing?_ Resigned, Boris lowers his phone as Valery goes on about the exclusion zone. When he hears the click of Gorbachev hanging up, he reaches over and places the phone in the cradle. 

Valery sits glancing at Boris out of the corner of his eye. His body is stiff with defiance; he is waiting for the yelling to start. And Boris is sorely tempted to oblige him, but he knows if he gives into his temper, this will be it. So, in a gentle but firm tone, he says, "We're taking a walk."

Like a little boy determined to push his parents to their limits, Valery pouts. "It's late, and I'm tired." Even now, he doesn't dare defy Boris outright. But it is late, and he is very tired. Tired of one problem after the other. Tired of the tension between the two of them. Tired of fighting, even as angry as he is.

Then Boris says, in no uncertain terms, "We're taking a walk."

\----------------

Valery is ready to be yelled out, ready to face Boris' temper. _But h_ _e will not apologize, no matter what!_ But when they get outside, Boris seems to ignore him. He pulls something out of his pocket (is that from dinner?) and begins feeding the stray dogs left behind when they evacuated Pripyat. The dogs will die soon, of course, but in the meanwhile, they are hungry, for food and for human companionship. Valery knows how they feel on the second point. He almost envies them Boris' attention.

Boris sees Valery watching him. "Do you want some kolbasa?" Valery shakes his head, surprised at the courtesy. He doesn't much care for the stuff and most days his stomach troubles him. Stress and radiation are taking their toll. 

Boris throws the last pieces to the dogs and wipes his hands. _Here it comes,_ Valery thinks. Before Boris can say anything, Valery goes on the defensive. "What do you want from me, an apology?! I'm not going to sit back while..."

"What will happen to our boys?"

 _What? Why is Boris asking me about that?_ "What boys?"

"The workers, the divers, the firefighters..."

 _Oh..._ Valery goes on to explain the gruesome details, but his mind is struggling in the background to understand. _Why isn't Boris raging at him about the phone call? Isn't that why he wanted to come out here for a walk?_

They come to a halt and face each other as Valery finishes telling Boris how the victims will die. Compassion and horror war on Boris' face. "And what about us? What will happen to us?"

 _Is that what Boris is worrying about? Of course! He's still floored by my blurting out our death sentence! And here I've been being a real prick about everything! V_ alery hurries to explain to Boris that while their dose will be fatal, the effects will be nothing like the workers who received such an extreme dose in such a short amount of time.

Boris gazes at Valery when he finishes, something unreadable in his eyes. "Well, it would seem we've gotten off easy, eh, Valery?"

Time stands still as Valery looks at Boris. _Did he? Did he just call him by his first name? And he sees us as standing together in this, when I thought he was done with me._

Then the moment passes, and Boris barely lifts his head up and to the right. Valery glances in the indicated direction and sees the two people he had shared a toast with at the bar the first night they were in Chernobyl. Obviously, the couple has been following them.

"They've been here all this time." Valery says with the realization of what that means. Boris gives him the subtlest of smiles.

"Yes, and if we're seeing them now, it's because they want us to." With another small movement of his head, he indicates that they should continue their walk. "Now you know why I wanted us to take a walk." _See, Valery, I wasn't going to yell at you. I don't want to fight anymore. I never wanted to fight._ "Obviously, they have our work site bugged, but not only that, our rooms as well. No doubt even our bathrooms are bugged."

They walk on a bit more, not saying much. But the air between them has cleared and they walk side by side like two old friends who have known each other a lifetime and don't need to speak to understand one another.

And as Valery parts ways with Boris to head into the hotel, he is deep in thought over the past hour. He thinks back to Boris saying his name, and for one fleeting instant, the hint of a smile crosses his face.


	5. I'm no good at this, Boris!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Valery begins to feel more comfortable around Boris.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's been so long since I've updated this story. (I even wrote a short story in the meantime!) With everything going on right now with COVID-19, I just haven't been able to sit down and right.
> 
> And if you're new to the story, please go back to the beginning and read. I think it will be worth it.

Valery walked back into the hotel, his lightness of heart slowly giving way to thoughts of what they needed to do now that the meltdown of the reactor had started. He came upon Ulana in the lobby and shared the news. Both he and Ulana were still stumped as to how the reactor could have exploded, so he sent her on a mission to talk to the plant operators who were still alive,

_And that will get her away from all this dangerous radiation. It's bad enough Boris and I are already irrevocably damaged from it. No use in wasting another life._

_________________________________

Miners were called in from all over the Soviet Union to tackle the humongous task of digging out an area under the reactor for the heat exchanger and liquid nitrogen. Boris and Valery sat in their work trailer, waiting for them to arrive.

"Valery, I've decided I'm going to have you talk to the mining chief."

"What?!"

"Yes, it will be good practice for you. Besides, you know all the specifics of the job. You can explain all the technical details better than I can."

Valery slumped against the wall, defeated. _Boris must not remember how badly I did talking to the workers when we needed three divers to shut off the valves. If he hadn't stepped in, the men would never have been motivated to volunteer!_

He leaned his head back so that he was looking at the ceiling. Boris glanced over, then took a longer look, taking his time enjoying the view of the man's throat bared. How he would like to kiss and nip that neck, eliciting groans from Valery - _what?! No! What could he be thinking? Where had those thoughts come from all of a sudden?_

There was no denying it, however. Valery in a defenseless pose, for once not being the defiant scientist, did something to Boris. He simultaneously wanted to gather Valery in his arms and protect him from the world, while ravishing him with his mouth. 

Trying to distract himself from his own thoughts, he barked, "What?", although he tried to gentle the query so it wouldn't seem too harsh.

"I'm no good at this, Boris. The lying..." Again, that defeated tone, that posture of surrender.

 _Oh, how I would like you to surrender to me, Valery! You have no idea how the thought of you helpless in my arms arouses me!_ Boris had to wait a minute before responding, letting his gaze travel down the length of Valery's body. Even so, he had not missed the fact that Valery had used his first name for the first time. Finally, he regained control.

"Have you ever worked with miners?"

Valery, caught off guard by the question, shook his head, a small hopeless smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. "No."

_Ah! What was that? But I want a full out smile, not one born of desperation!_

"My advice, tell the truth. These men work in the dark; they see everything." Boris looked back down at his paperwork. Glukov would be coming in any second now and it wouldn't do to be gazing at Valery.

Glukov walked in and a whirlwind discussion ensued. The man was sharp; he missed nothing, just as Boris had predicted. After he left, Valery slowly sank into the chair at his desk. "Are they all like that?"

Boris allowed himself a small smile. "They're all like that."

_____________________________

Boris went to the canteen and procured a bottle of vodka. He had good news for Valery, and this time he would get him to smile. He was determined in his mission, and certain of his chances of success...until he walked into the work trailer.

Valery sat with his head in his hands, his glasses lying on the desk in front of him. He showed all the signs of having another one of his headaches, products of too much work and not enough sleep, not to mention an unhealthy dose of radiation.

Boris gazed tenderly at Valery. How many times had he tried to get him to knock off work after supper? How many times had he admonished him to get to bed early? But what good did it do? 

_I should walk right over there behind him and start massaging those tense shoulders. I could pocket his glasses...then he couldn't run off._ Boris' hands ached to do something for Valery. He just wasn't sure how the man would react. And their friendship still felt somewhat fragile, despite all the progress they had made. So...back to the original plan.

"The fire's out! It's out, Valera!" (still no reaction...) "The miners are making incredible progress! They say they'll be done in four weeks!"

Finally, Valery looked up. "Four weeks."

"Can you believe it?" Boris poured him a glass of vodka. When Valery only sat and looked in Boris in disbelief, Boris picked up the glass and set it down firmly in front of him.

"I know the job isn't over. But it's the beginning of the end." Boris smiled gently at Valery, hoping to see its twin on the man's face. _Come on, Valery! Just relax for a moment! Can't you see this is good news?_

Valery only stared at Boris with a resolute gaze in his eyes. _Do you have any idea of how much more there is to do, Boris? We're not nearly finished. And we're dying! Us, the miners, everyone here._

Boris felt all his cheer disintegrate. _Damnit! Valery, I need to smile! Not just for your own sake, but for mine too!_

The next moment a soldier entered the trailer and asked for their presence down at the dig site. The moment was gone The evening would produce another shock soon as they came upon the miners working naked, followed by a sobering statement by Boris as he acknowledged the truth to Glukov. 

The whole time he felt Valery watching him. And Boris could almost hear his voice. _You see, Boris? This is what we face...more lives lost and maybe all for nought._

One thing was clear...there would be no more smiling that night.

______________________________

When they made their report to the Chernobyl commission the next day, Boris felt the full burden of what lay ahead of them. Valery had briefed him during the trip to Moscow, while Boris debated how to break the news to Valery of Ulana's arrest. Finally he told him right before the meeting, which might have been a mistake. He spent the whole meeting trying to get between the death glare of Valery and Charkov's seemingly neutral gaze.

After the meeting, Boris was just a moment too slow getting out of the room, a colleague having stopped him to exchange pleasantries. He watched in horror as Valery stopped Charkov in the hallway. 

_This is it. Valery will be arrested because he won't keep his mouth shut. I'll never see him again._

But somehow, Valery's naivete saved him. He walked away unscathed having procured Ulana's release. How had he managed it?

____________________________________

That night, back in the hotel at Pripyat, Boris tossed and turned. He kept having a recurring nightmare where Valery was ripped away from him, sent off to some remote, unknown location. And Boris could only think of how he hadn't been able to see Valery smile...


	6. Lunar Rovers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A softening of tensions and Boris gets his wish.

"What are we going to do, Boris?" 

Boris looked at his friend. Because, of course, that's what Valery had become...his friend. And right now his friend was sitting in total despair, head in his hands.

"I don't know, Valera. Tarakanov is headed over to meet with us. Maybe we can figure this out between all three of us."

_______________________

It had started earlier when he and Valery had been talking about the need to build some sort of shelter over the destroyed reactor. They could bury the topsoil, wash the streets endlessly, bulldoze contaminated houses; but none of that was going to matter if they couldn't contain the source of the radiation leaking into the surrounding atmosphere and poisoning the land.

Flyovers had revealed that there were three highly irradiated sections of roof that would have to be cleared of debris before they could even consider building a containment structure. The radiation on those three sections of roof was so high that they couldn't very well send men up there. But what other option was there?

The two of them were exhausted, not just from nights of little sleep or the constant barrage of radiation. No, this was an exhaustion born of despair. Even Boris was slowly succumbing to it, even while he desperately tried to bolster up Valery. As soon as they solved one problem, five more cropped up. And every one involved more men dying or endangering the lives of those men.

Boris, who had served in the army when a young man, was somewhat toughened as far as men dying, but even so the hopelessness of the situation was wearing on him. And how much more for Valery, whose experiences lay far from such gut wrenching decisions? Boris only managed to keep going because he knew that if he crumbled, Valery wouldn't last much longer.

__________________________

Tarakanov arrived and the three entered the work trailer. Valery outlined the dilemma and then shared the idea of using lunar rovers, but of course that would depend on Boris being able to obtain one. At the end of the meeting, they still had not figured out to solve the problem of Masha, the most highly irradiated section of roof, but Tarakanov said he would look into different options.

After Tarakanov left, Boris and Valery sat companionably at the table for a while. Valery kept glancing at Boris with a look in his eyes of half hope, half fear. He wanted so badly to believe that this latest idea would work. If it did, they might actually succeed in not killing off yet more men. But he was afraid to allow himself that hope, knowing that if the lunar rover idea did not succeed, the disappointment and despair might destroy him.

Boris met Valery's gaze with a sympathetic look. _I know exactly how you're feeling, my Valera. If this doesn't work, it will be the end of us both._ He watched as Valery laid his head down on his arms. Reaching out hesitantly, he paused a moment. How would Valery react to being touched? 

Once or twice over the past weeks, Boris had moved to pat Valery's shoulder or touch his arm out of simple companionship, but Valery had flinched, even as he tried to hide his reaction. Boris didn't know if it was because of the rough beginning they had had on the helicopter when he had been in Valery's face, threatening and screaming at him; or if something from Valery's past caused him to act that way. Either way, Boris, normally a demonstrative man, had started holding back on his impulses.

But now, seeing Valery with his head buried in his arms, Boris could resist no longer. Reaching out, he rested his large hand on Valery's shoulder, ready to pull it away if Valery reacted poorly. He was very pleasantly surprised when Valery moved into the touch, even though his head remained down.

_Well, now, that was not what I expected! Hang in there, Valera. We'll get through this together!_

_________________________

And now they all stood in the small room, waiting for the operator to run the diagnostics. Boris couldn't bear to glance at Valery. He watched the screen while thinking back to that one precious moment when Valery had welcomed his touch. 

Valery watched anxiously, comforted by Boris standing close by. His own reaction to Boris' advances had surprised him as much as it had Boris. He wasn't used to being touched, even as he craved touch more than anything else. Oh, how he hoped there would be more!

Boris, watching the proceedings, was amazed at the technology he had managed to procure. Only half realizing he spoke aloud, he mused, "And to think that's what we put on the moon!"

"Well, not that one."

 _What?_ Boris looked over at Valery. _That smart-ass little scientist! And was that a gleam in his eye?_

"I know not that one!" Boris was a little harsher than he meant to be in his reply, but Valery shrugged it off, making a defiant face at Boris' reaction.

 _Okay, just you wait, Legasov!_ But Boris wasn't mad, not in the slightest. He was actually relishing this snarky side of Valery. 

But then it was time for the test...everyone leaned in to see better, and...success! Boris pumped both his fists in victory, then turned to Valery.

_Was that? Yes, it was!_

"Valery, what's that? A smile?" Boris couldn't resist teasing Valery when he saw the slight upturn of the man's mouth. He was further thrilled when his ribbing of Valery brought on a much fuller, but very shy smile. Unable to contain himself any longer, Boris reached out and cupped Valery's face in his two massive hands, playfully teasing at Valery's cheeks until a full-fledged grin was coaxed out of him.

Valery saw Boris moving toward him, even as his smile grew. _Oh my, what's he going to do?_ And then Boris' warm, strong hands were cradling his face and Valery found himself smiling full out in response to Boris' own smile and his affectionate touch. The next moment was ecstasy as Boris wrapped his arms around Valery and engulfed him in an embrace. Valery turned and rested his head on the taller man's shoulder, reveling in the security he felt.

_Oh, Boris! Never let me go, please! Hold me forever, and the whole world can go on burning all around us. I just want you to hold me!_

And then the moment was past, because of course there were other people in the room, and one had to maintain appearances. But even then Boris kept a companionable arm around Valery's shoulder, as any comrade-in-arms might do. But he and Valery knew that it was something more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So of course I stayed up until 1:00 a.m. writing this chapter, but it was worth it! I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. More to come...


	7. Jokers and Biorobots

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things go downhill, but Valery has found his reason to smile now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You didn't think it was going to be all butterflies and giggles from here on out, did you?

Valery stood perusing the map of Pripyat posted on the wall. He was still flushed from Boris' hug, and if he closed his eyes it was as if he could feel Boris' arms around him and Boris' smile against his cheek.

But he was anxious. Masha lay ahead, and although West Germany was sending them something to help deal with the problem, they didn't really know if it would work. _And if not? What then?_ Valery could no more answer that than he had been able to respond to a similar question from Boris while they waited for the divers to emerge. That had worked out. Would this?

Boris was staring at Valery from behind as the scientist studied the map of Pripyat. He was nervous about Masha too. And, although he could barely admit it to himself, not just because of it being the only possible solution they'd been able to come up with. The truth was, if this didn't work, there would not be another smile from Valery, and Boris had been yearning very much for that sight.

He turned at the sound of someone entering the trailer. It was Tarakanov.

"It's here." 

Boris quickly strode out the door next to the general.

Valery, as if attached to Boris by an invisible string, trotted along to catch up. Once outside, Valery's gaze was drawn to Boris' physique as the man traveled the gravel path. Distracted, he nearly stumbled. Fortunately, nobody noticed.

The soldiers unwrapped the shiny new machine that would hopefully conquer Masha while the trio looked on. Then the three went back into the building to wait while the helicopter transported Joker to the roof.

Finally it was time. Valery, not a religious man, stood as if praying. _Oh, please, it just has to work!_ He subtly leaned into Boris as the operator did the system check and then began testing the machine.

But something went wrong. One by one the lights on the board went out, and the screen showed only static.

Boris looked on in horror, a thought slowly occurring to him. A horrible scowl approaching a snarl crossed his face; turning he stormed out of the trailer.

Valery glanced at Tarakanov, then they both followed hurriedly behind. 

"I don't care if Gorbachev is listening! I want him to hear! We're burning here!"

Valery winced. Even during his earliest confrontations with Boris, he had never seen him this angry. _Oh, Boris! Please be careful!_

Sounds of violent banging commenced, until, suddenly, the door opened and a very resigned and exhausted Boris emerged, broken phone in tow. Reaching the ground, he explained to Valery and Tarakanov, "They gave them the propaganda number."

Valery nodded, not at all surprised. Of course the USSR wanted to save face over the situation. He was more worried about Boris, who stood off a ways catching his breath.

_I've never seen him looking so defeated. It's like he's given up! Oh, Borja! I'll stand by you, even if our nation is letting you down!_

"We'll need a new phone," Boris told the soldier standing nearby then returned to the trailer, shoulders slumped and head down.

A few weeks ago Valery's sense of self-preservation would have had him giving Boris as much space as possible for a few hours. But Boris needed him, so he went through the trailer door, only to see Boris sitting at his desk with his head in his hands. Valery crunched across the floor, little bits of the lately departed phone scattered everywhere, and procuring a half empty bottle of vodka on the way.

He poured Boris a glass and set it next to the man, but Boris did not.look up. "Borja." No response. Valery gently took one of Boris' hands in his and held it for a few moments, lightly stroking the back of Boris' hand.

Finally Boris responded and looked up. Valery took his hand and placed the glass of vodka in it. "Drink," he ordered. 

Boris finally downed the vodka, then looked at Valery with blurry eyes. "What are we going to do, Valera?"

Valery smiled gently at Boris. It was his turn to be strong. "I'm working on something, Borja. Don't give up just yet."

Boris peered at Valery, relishing the gentle smile coming from him. He looked a question at Valery, but no answers were forthcoming.

"I'm working on it, Borja."

\------------------------------

Two nights later, Valery, Boris and Tarakanov met in a military tent, the rain pouring down heavily outside. Boris had heard nothing more about Valery's idea and was trying to give him time to figure it out. He and Tarakanov were downing glass after glass of vodka while they bounced ideas off each other. 

Valery sat off to the side, one foot propped up on the table as he worked on some final calculations. He watched Boris as he worked, glad to see the man in better spirits. 

_Let's see, if the radiation is 12,000 roentgen an hour, that means that a worker could spend about 90 seconds on the roof before..._

Boris and Tarakanov were discussing the possibility of a robot existing anywhere that wouldn't fizzle out from Masha's radiation levels. But there was nothing.

"Biorobots." Both men turned at Valery's suggestion, thinking they had misunderstood him. "We'll use biorobots...men."

At the stricken look on Boris' and Tarakanov's face, Valery explained how he had calculated that each man could work on the roof for 90 seconds. "So we need a plan, and a lot of men," he finished. Finally, he met Boris' gaze straight on.

_I know it's not what we wanted, Boris, but it just might work. I want to see you smile again, Borja. I want to be able to smile back._


	8. The Last Smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Boris sees Valery smile for the last time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're nearing the end folks...

"To hell with our lives!" Ulana picked up her notebooks and stormed out of the building they had been meeting in, leaving a stunned Legasov behind.

Boris turned to Valery, who had sagged against the wall. "Valery, you don't have to tell what happened! We'll figure something out, I promise you!"

"Boris...I don't want to be shot." 

Valery's desperate, cornered look prompted Boris to take Valery in his arms. "We'll make a deal, Valery. It will work! It has to!" Boris gently nuzzled Valery'cheek, whispering assurances to him. "I'll take care of this, Valera! I won't let them hurt you!"

A sob escaped Valery as he burrowed into Boris' warm coat. He wanted to stay there, in that moment forever, where he didn't have to face an impossible choice and where he could be alone with Boris for eternity.

\----------------------

But it didn't work. The KGB made assurances, then, having secured Valery's testimony in Vienna, they delayed making the repairs, citing one reason after another for why they hadn't done so. And Valery knew he was going to have to tell the truth, except...

When it had just been a matter of avoiding being shot, he might have braved the danger. But there was a worse thing. Separation from Boris. He could not bear the thought of being apart from Boris, whether in life or death. They could shoot him, torture him, whatever they wanted, but the thought of never seeing Boris again? Valery had never believed in hell, but if there was one, surely it would be that.

\---------------------

Valery left the courtroom in search of Boris. He was very concerned; Boris' cough was worsening by the day, Spotting him sitting on a bench in the courtyard he walked over and sat by his friend.

The two sat in silence for a while, basking in each other's company. Depending on what direction Valery took his testimony when they returned to the courtroom, this might be the last time they would be so close. So for a while they simply sat, each aware of the other's physical existence but a arm's reach away. And like old friends, they didn't need to talk to take comfort from each other.

Boris was the first to broach the silence, describing the history of the land around them. Valery listened patiently, not quite sure where Boris was going with his narrative but drinking in the sound of his voice. How long now before he wouldn't be able to hear that voice anymore?

"No one ever thinks it's going to happen to them. And here we are." Boris finished, holding up his bloodied handkerchief for Valery to see.

"How much time?" Valery felt something in his heart give way. He too had convinced himself that Boris would be okay, strong, confident Borya! Okay, so the man got out of breath more easily these days. Valery had first noticed that after Boris had his rant on the phone in the trailer. But Boris had shown no other signs of the radiation other than a persistent cough. Unlike Valery, who often found small clumps of hair in the shower.

Still, there was no denying the blood, or Boris' response, "Maybe a year." While Valery was still reeling, Boris reminisced about how he hadn't taken Chernobyl seriously at first, especially since the state had decided to send him. "I'm an inconsequential man. That's all I've ever been. I hoped that one day I would matter, but I didn't." he stated in explanation. "I just stood next to people who did."

And then Boris reached over and patted Valery on the shoulder, almost a caress really. He would rather have embraced the man; surely it would be the last chance, but there were too many KGB agents lurking around.

Valery shook his head, denying Boris his self-criticism. "There are other scientists like me. Anyone of them could have done what I did. But you? Everything we asked for, everything we needed. Men, material... lunar rovers."

And there it was. A small ironic smile, but a smile all the same. Boris sat drinking it in, almost missing the rest of what Valery was saying, until finally refocusing on his voice, "...they mistakenly sent the one good man. For God's sake, Boris, you were the one who mattered most!"

Boris had to look away to hide his tears. Valery's words meant more to him than life itself. And that smile! Probably the last one he would ever see. He looked down and spotted an inchworm on his pants leg. Picking it up absentmindedly, he saw again in his mind Valery's smile.

"It's beautiful!" he declared, thinking only of that beloved smile.

Valery nodded, wondering at Boris' fascination with the small creature. He took Boris' statement as referring to the returning life at Chernobyl, not realizing that it was the beauty of his own smile that Boris was thinking of.

And then the court recess was over and it was time to enter the courtroom. Time seemed to fly by swiftly after that. Valery had made up his mind once and for all while sitting in the courtyard with Boris and went ahead with his planned testimony.

It almost didn't work; the trial looked to be halted before he could make his damning conclusion. Suddenly, "Let him finish!" resounded from a resolute Boris who stood up from his seat. He demanded that Valery be allowed to continue his dialog, even knowing what it would cost the both of them.

Thirty minutes later, Boris stood outside watching as Valery was escorted to the waiting car and driven away. Valery looked up one last time before bowing his head, meeting Boris' tear-filled eyes. There would be no more smiles.

Epilogue

Boris collapsed into the kitchen chair, sobs wracking his body. He had finally managed to come to Valery's apartment, only to find him hanging from a noose in the kitchen. Lovingly, his heart breaking, Boris lowered his friend down and carried him to the couch in the living room. But then the tears had come, and they would not stop. 

An hour later the KGB showed up. "You may leave, Comrade Shcherbina. We'll take it from here."

Boris turned and stared at them, not caring if they saw his tears. "What will you do with him?" he demanded.

"The coroner will come in the morning. It is no more of your concern."

"I'm not leaving! I'll sit with him until then."

The KGB seem ill-disposed to confront the Deputy Chairman. Of course, this would all have to be reported to Charkov, but in the meanwhile, they would let Shcherbina have his way. He was only an old dying man, after all. They stood around smoking and making small talk until, finally the one who seemed to be in charge, motioned them outside.

"Let the man grieve alone. Day will come all too soon."

Once they were gone, Boris sank to the floor beside Valery, wrapping his arms around his friend and cradling his face in his hands. How could it be? How could this adorable but irritating man be gone? Never again would he argue obstinately with Boris, never again would that shy smile creep across his face. Boris felt his tears returning. Burying his face in Valery's chest, he sobbed uncontrollably, until eventually he dozed off. Only the morning sun coming in through the curtains woke him, and the knock of the coroner at the door.

Boris watched, distraught, as the coroner readied Valery's body to be taken. He approached and tapped the man on the shoulder. "Please, where will he be buried?"

The man shrugged. "I'm not sure. I've not received any instructions on his interment yet."

Boris reached into his wallet, grabbing out a large wad of money. "There's a plot, in the Moscow cemetery, right near mine. See that he's buried there, and send me the bill for the headstone. Also, dress him in the finest suit you can find. I'll pay for everything. I want no expense spared."

The man pocketed the money and nodded in agreement. "He must have meant a lot to you, Comrade."

Boris watched the man leave. _You have no idea,_ he thought.

The End


End file.
